Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in furkaycius' LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
7:14 pm	open tides and choppy seas. flipped cupid, my plan seemed faultless, but all i see now is failure. this is so dumb and stupid and the point is, i always fall for people i hardly know. people i don't know. this time round, it all seemed good cause i could get C out of the way butm here comes J. i fell to hard, i fell too fast. another mistake, but is there anything good that will come out of it anyway? just simply, what are the chances that J's. xoxo Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
11:27 pm	fury fistfights and long emo bus. sucks flipped cupid, C, you hurt me bad. you made me fall real hard. you hit me the hardest anyone have. and i only made it easier, by ever loving you. xoxo./p> Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
9:40 pm	urging souls and progressive no's. peace flipped cupid, do i will i ever love A? that's the million dollar question right now. don't come back C, please don't. the distance helps, helps alot. even though we were never anyway close before, the distance helps. xoxo. Current Mood: angry (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 14th, 2007
9:01 pm	the sight of ur smile lightens up my world. i'm happy for u yaan(: good luck, or rather haha you don't need luck! its destined!!! give me ur luck! weiwen u are weiwen!..... here you go(: tomorrow public speaking test! and oh my god i had a fever this afternoon. think its gone now, although my body is still aching like crazy. sigh i wanna watch the apprentice later, but shldn't i be sleepin and gettin LOTS of rest!! Dad came back from HongKong yesterday and guess what he brought back. Krispy Kreme!!!! Omg the donut damn freakin nice lor. ate 1 only, cuz got cough, sigh damn sad lor. Argh, u're a dream a fantasy a wish! and cannot put myself along that road and get you. cuz all i see at the end is just a whole lot of disappointment. All i can do is wish that you put me on that road. and erase of tht sight of disappointment. iloveyou, alot. Why don't you play the game? Why don't you play the game? Dum Dum Click Dum Dum  I must get into musical. I'm begging every single person being to like me be in it! i must! MUST. Its my first step to doing what i like, for myself and i cannot fail in it. i cant afford to. help! Current Mood: uncomfortable (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 13th, 2007
1:12 am	when u noe it only happens in dreams, but still keeping ur fingers crossed. life as a sec 3 is stressful. every year i grow and i'm happy.... and the classic phrase "Why hurry to grow up, its better to be young" is coming more convincing and true. i've decided to stop thinking about you. its senseless and i could probably put a whole pade full of explainations an reasons and consequences but no. i'm going to leave it as it is. its been too long and not worth it. thank you for not pursueing me. guess the determination and strenght in me wasn't overwhelmingly great. sorry? thankyou. Last night I had a dream about you, In this dream, I'm dancing right beside you. And it seemed like everyone was having fun. The kinda feeling I've Waited So Long.. You're a dream, a fantasy and probably never will be mine. but will give me that little privil to think, dream and hope for you. ilikeyou. school sucks when ur math teacher think u're weak in math and bombarded with unnecessary concern. iwill do fine!!!!!! i want dreams to come true. i want the someone out there to grant my wish for once. digital love, rather imagainary love. denial. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
12:18 am	new year. 2007. tryin to erase the past but its deeply engraved in us. i spent the minutes before and after twelve midnight alone, turning all the water in me into tears. Lying outside my house beside the swimming pool starring into the sky and hoping there was something more in the sky than darkness. but as usual in every case. dissapointment. lying there made me think. made me realized, made me lived. i was alone. and alone is great. theres no pressure, no one to tell u , despise you, backstab or even harm you. my new year gift from myself to myself, the strenght to no more be afraid of loneliness. during those moments where i awaited the countdown, and moments which lasted after tht, i found out the good will in some people. those people who i scolded, those people who i've never regard as a close friend. they showed me concern and it touched me. and well u cant have the best of both worlds, n one of my closest friends or rather, saying it now,or admittin tht he was, just feels like the same as shouting out "LAUGH at me, POINT ur finger at me, he suck, and i still believed in him". he ditched me. i was naive enough to believe that i could talk to him, so out of All the people in my contacts, i called him... and he said hold on, and then hanged up. and never call back. he suck. after that, it just made think. i'm who i'm and i shall live with it. people who are really friends will live with it. i won't try to tht, won't try to this. i'll try to be myself. love me, or hate me. theres no third option. and .. a new year to u . (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
7:30 pm	how stupid we were. and now is just something to b laughed at in the future. its irritating and exhausting convincing u. but well probably every shot of it gives me another hope tht we still can b together. no matter how many times, there will be a day where i noe, we will b wad we are, at least i hope. its funny, hilarious. what things may seem after time has passed. i was laughin at my previous posts, or rather the most earliest ones and realize how funny i was gettin so mad over delifrace bread! haha. and how i said sorry and stated my 4 closest friends. but now, its a whole new story. only 2 names there deserve to stay on. although more have been added, its still amzing how gaining never seem to cure the hurt of leaving. 2morrow is new year eve. hapy new year i guess? cant think of anything to add... i'm just keeping my fingers cross, hoping next year would be a great one. Sec 3 . long waited to be old, still waiting to be older though.. iloveyou plz understand, believe, and give me tht chance. happynewyear. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 28th, 2006
11:51 pm	tryin to hard to scrap happiness out, when ditchin is much easier. realisation struck me at a very very high point today. theres many people around who care. but to me theres none. i shut out people who really care, who really wants to walk down the road with me. and i foolishly, naively wait and complain about those who doesn't. why are human being as such? never contented with life and always want the impossible. why cant we settle and be satisfied? why does greed take over our kind nature? why do we insanely wait for those who dun care, dun budge, dun give a damn about ur exsistence, or blame you for not knowing about their life affairs when they dun tell u, and u hve to read it in their blog. its great to have something special with someone. not so great when u realize he or she treats another person the same way. its pathetic, foolish, naive, stupid, dumb and ignorant. thts life. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
9:53 pm	no one plans, cause things never go as planned. Asimple phrase which i cant remember me started my school starting worry. i miss that worry but at the same time it feels really shit.. like ur organs being 'soured'. but well, good times, good friendships, great laughter times all happen in school... and this break has sorta been just enough for me to realease me from the stress i me, at least well stage one of it, and i'm more than satisfied with the which may seem appaling results. just maybe staring into the future scares me. i'm like too confused and suddenly doubting my ability in life. i WANT and i know i must and will make it to like harvard yale oxford princeton stanford cambridge. but to me it seems i'm only kidding myself. just keeping myself in the realm of dreams and hopes. saying to someone about tht, just probably bring laughter and humiliation to myself. i want it. i must get it. i may be too crazy thinking about university when i'm like 15? but when is the 'proper' age for worrying? people around are taking it so lightly, and not worrying? is it my paranoid or their carefreeness. i'm frunstrated. i wanna be somebody else, somewhere else. junhung is too hard to be. when u try so hard to make something right and not only no one appreciates and not notices, but blames u for being busybody or too free and nosy. its frunstrating when u spent every single strenght u hv left to make something right and the satisfaction doesn't come. stare down the road, just trying to notice an obsticle to be prepared. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 24th, 2006
11:21 pm	that shimmer of hope. why do we always give ourself false hope when the other party has made is super clear that you're waiting in vain. theres ALWAYS that shimmer of hope. whether he or she had left it there... or u read it, interpret it, or saw it. knowing clearly its just a false shimmer of hope shining through a small pinhope u can bearly see, u would always always let tht shimmer shine in and impose hope on u no matter how many times it has already faded and disappeared at the end of it. the conclusion is always the same for tht light. and disappointment is what you get always. but still you believe in tht shimmer of hope. theres point where i reached. theres just one too many disappointments in life where you would just stop friendship from raising till a certain point. a point where it would mean something special to you, hold great significance. and u only do that to protect yourself. the proverb or saying which states 'it doesn't matter how long it last, most importantly we once had it' doesn't apply to you anymore. endings are too painful, conclusions are hard to except. all they bring are only disappointments. so.. prevention better than cure. you stop that friendship so if it breaks, it doesn't haurt as much as if u allowed it to grow. ... i still m waiting for another shimmer of hope, although it has faded a millions times before. Merry Christmas (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 17th, 2006
10:44 pm	I didnt mean for the winds to change I lok around me and theres just so much love going on. everyone. but then when every morning, i would stare into the mirror and she the most pathetic guy ever in the world. seriously i really need time off. totally alone to just unwind and find my self esteem back. its crazy and hectic. whats going on in me is just weird. all my paths are crossing. and thus my moodswing is probably one of the many good examples. i think at my age, or probably my life, its impossible for me to have some alone time. 1 hour, 4 hours is what i can get and seriously, thats totally too little. i need days , weeks. i need to find myself . that junhung and only junhung and find him. cause only junhung knows the real junhung. finding junhung. I think I need some time by myself Without anybody else I just need to unwind In my time machine I need to go far away A few years back would be ok I just need to unwind In my time machine (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 16th, 2006
6:31 pm	stop assuming, and give it a chance. Now the prom off. Few more good friend who i haven't spent enough time hanging out with decided that one trip isn't enough and is going for a next one. Macbeth is lying on my floor and i'm so tempted to start studyin it, but i wont. when u reach a point in life where nothing is really what it seems. its like u're being blindfolded into a wonderland and when things are at its peak, u see through the blindfold and everybody is just screwing up. i read ur letters too, again. silly as it seems but it is always interesting and seems new everytime i open tht drawer and pull it out. many times i pull it out and hold a lighter close to it. but i noe, it means just too much to forget. even if it doesn't happen again, it serves as a reminder that you were once for me. i wanna really really really wanna stop broading about life's defects and really start pursuein what i really love. i wanna be somebody next time and i know, i'm gonna work a hell out of myself to get there. we were meant to be, suppose to be, but we lost it. would you give me that chance to retrieve it. my eyes are tired of tears my heart is tired of pining my mouth is tired of sighs my ears are tired of listening to our songs my hands are tired of writing notes which ends up in the bin. ...........and the conclusion is i'm wasting paper and the tree society of lovers who love trees and paper hate me..... blame love for being blind. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 11th, 2006
10:57 pm	omg. i've been crazy after mum left for australia, with steph(sis). i feel so freeeeeeeee. so many sleepovers!! Thursday Night, Long Long and quande slept at my hse.. Friday Night, Me and Quande Slept at Jiajunb house Saturday Night, Quande slept at my house.. Last Night, I slept at Quande House.. And FINALLY tonight, i'm back alone in my room. i feel kinda good actually being alone. i guess from time to time, even in times of enjoyment, we do need some alone time alone. Longlong is so ... erm cute?.. ok me and the cute thingy again. anyway jiajun hse is so cool. bsides the technical side of it which is like simply delightful, his guestroom look so superb! i feel so in like a hotel. i love his house!!. i relaly enjoyed myself.. those times.. -feelings hopelessly lousy in Need For Speed -Freezing to our bones in the swimming pool talking when we can go to the room -Ordering Macdonalds past midnight and no one wants to collect it when the guy came. -Over ordering and leaving a mess on the floor -Waking each other up and taking turns to fall asleep again. -Eating the breakfast while the last night reheating food taste nicer. -Playing Pro Evaluation Soccer Quickly and Hurriedly before Taxi came. -When was about to win taxi came and realized a bunch of stuff still was lying around Omg i love jiajun house! haha. total HIGHLIGHT for holidays. Besides the obvious highlight of the America Trip, the 'last' day and 'last' sleepover party thing keeps lingering in my head. it totally rocks. i guess. i remembering me and quande saying bye to thomas outside cine and to qi too. then me and quane went to buy famous amos and suddenly thomas appears. then we three went all the way to the hp support centre to fix thomas comp. and he was super happy he could fix it. holidays sorta indents great times with friends... but school sorta creates those moments special. Every day's a new day... 15 there's still time for you Time to buy and time to choose Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this When you only got 100 years to live (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
10:52 am	its been well... a day since i arrived back from my trip to america and haven;t posted abt it yet. cause well throughout the trip i've been troubled with 'tht' matter and since its off my system and i've finally learn to put things behind my back, i shall move on. talking about moving on, i alwasy dwell about the past and stuff and an impression of u like will forever last in me. and being me, i hate changes and basically, i started disliking people who had changed. well till last night at least. i realized that changes are good. people change to fit the enviroment that their in. so its usually more of adapting to a change instead of changing. so about my trip to america, i went to Los Angeles, Las Vegas and San Francisco. this trip was suppose to be like an exclusive family bonding session which i thought was really stupid. i really was so put off to even board the plane at first. but after that talk with thomas and some realization took place. i realized i was wrong. we do not drift away from our family naturally at our age. we do tht cause we did some things which our parents might not like. distance do not just grow, distances are made. our this trip, i grew closer to every member of my family. eversince coming back to singapore, i took matters to my own hands and placed every hope and inch of comforting in the hands of my friends. and, they just fail to do so. and no, its not their fault. because what i'm looking for is basically impossible to meet. probably only love, family love, can meet. and actually, they haven't disappointed me, i hve. my standards are too high. so high tht, my myself would fail. sry friends... and well no more emoooooo stuff from me now!... my post shall b ... normal post ha!!!! probably i'll change the blog provider... but mehhh too lazy... itunes stuffed up ! SHIT (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
2:59 am	why would i bitch about something i want? cuz even if i really wanted it, i would hve gone to u and talked about it. well at least i thought, there were some times in the past where we had moments which would last and tht had enough significance for me to be honest. a million people would help heal a popular's person wounds. but no where really care about whether theres a wound on a person people hardly notices. its really amazing how time has come to show what the word friend really mean in us. is it just someone who u noe? or someone who just happens to be in the same class as u. to me it means so much more than tht. its someone who pulls knives out of ur back instead of thrusting it there and then pulling it out. the bitch list criteria is too easy for anyone to fall in, or rather, we are all in it. but it takes one person, to really push his 'friend' in. and thts where he gets labelled. but pushing a friend in inturns, makes u eligible for the bitch list too. everyone is like murderers standing at the edge of the cliff. everytime, u trust someone, u tell them u're the murderer and they push u off. and there, hes a murderer too. so why do we bother classifying the murderers? we should just stop pushing and start trusting. its really amusing how tht person who bitched abt me to u abt me bitching abt u which made u 'bitch' abt me right? see everyone bitches. just spot the victim? everyone gets hurt in this process and no one is safe. u may hate me or whatever. make all ur friends throw comments at me. but really, what is there to get out of it. for me, it just shows me another person, or really rather, another friend throwing a knife at my back and then throwing sympathy at me while actually bitching to me to another person, telling a lie to get into tht person's gd books. its all about friends. and in this world, friends do come easy, but gd ones are really hard to comeby. n no, i'm nt angry with tht person who told u abt it. nor m i angry with you. also not angry with the person who really said those words. but, u really shouldn't have posted. a talk to me about it was so much an easy road. remembering the 05/06 orientations and those london times. i did enjoy myself, sry it couldn't last. shattered. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
8:10 pm	To anonymous who commented 2 post before: firstly, amazing, u actually read what i wrote. 2nd, seriously, tell me how to move on? which step should i take? and can u guarantee that regret won't happen after tht step?. Seriously face reality. you think its that easy to move on? i'm here rooted shouting, screaming for someone, true. to pull me out safely, securely but all those who've came, i just probably don't hve enough trust capacity in myself to bring myself to open up to them and let them have a go. Life really sucks when ur expectations of everything high. Being a perfectionist just is totally horrible. i really don't wanna be one, its torture, it just engraves the word 'disappointment' into the word life. but wad can i do? i'm hopelessly there strugglin, waiting for someone who can really show me the road and walk down with me... and leave only when the trust among us knows that each other will be remembered through any circumstances. Being divided in any circumstance is horrible. Cliques in school are probably what most people dislike. But no matter what we do, it will always be there. Different classes of people. No wonder robin hood wasn't successful, but instead popular cause people like the idea. its just a fantasy, a hope in all of us that is just there waiting for a result that will never ever come. To think of it.. actually being in a clique is good. but when one leaves or one just have no one in that clique who is true. its really horrible. theres really no one that person can turn to. he deserves pity, and better. Maybe i do want you back......... but theres just too many people that i've to exchange for u . People in love get fast and foolish People in love get everything wrong People in love get scared and stupid People in love get everything wrong At least they're not lonely At least they're not lonely They'll never be lonely (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
11:30 pm	Most people take a sigh of relief after the exams, but for me. I become more stress. I've been really busy lately with crazy school stuff... and one tree hill which i probably think i'm livin in there now. My world has been chaotic eversince the last post. things have gone the absolute wrong way. Its not the opposite of my dreamworld. its just a different road leading out from the centre. All this world, i've been a total dick. Being a perfectionist, i stress all the people around me. i certainly did nt deserve tht and i hve no right at all. I guess, being friends with me is already a tolerance test for tht person. i'm sorry. What you said to me in tht place in front of the whole team, pierced me through my entire living body like hell. you totally shattered everything i had left. I guess, after tht incident, i really do not know what i trully want. i'm just everyday weighin the 'what ifs'. All i want now, is that person to tear me open , sort me out, live it for me. Lifes such a challenging thing. Every choice we make, its going to be carried down with us. And no matter how good that choice is, there is bound to be regret. It just matter to pick the right one, so the suffering of the regret becomes less, lesser to bear. Life's about regret. Learning to not dwell on the regret is acheivin life's goal. I totally hate changes, loneliness and disappointments. Its really time to let you go. You left me and then surprised me. yes i was really happy tht you were back. so happy till i forgot why you left. 'But i guess to make tht moment such an unforgettable one, tht leaving act was to be carried out.now, you're gone again. But no, i'm not waiting for the final act of you returnin, i'm bracing myself now for that disappointment you're gonna brin. that day when ur in the 'elite' clique of people, that day where you stare down at me, forgettin tht we were once so close. i hope, i'll b prepared. Do i really need a best friend. i rather, would the mirror b better. Lost in the darkness, would someone pull me out. you cant hear my screams. But i know you will. That night, i was thinking, about the past. until i came to the point of thinkin. Would you b back with me, if i give the whole world in exchange? if i really do , i would see beyond ur flaws. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
1:53 pm	I'm stressed. But its like this time round my stress isn't as great as before. I think whats saving me is myself. Telling and reminding myself that i don't have to worry. Its me, my life so what satisfies me isn't the A,B,C or the score percentage, but its the sense of me doing my best! I hate it when other people give me pressure. i really hate the pressure. Instead of pushing me to do better, it just stretches me till the extend of snapping. I can't take it. Cuz i know what exactly i want in life and i know how to work for it. i'm not that little baby boy wanting to skive on every occasion. I'm too sensetive, too paranoid. Funny as it seems i'm like everyday thinking about what i want in life and what course i wanna take in which university. thats why it took me long to fill up that subject choice sheet. I wanna study medicine, hotel managment, law, accounting, commerce, arts. ARGH so many things!!!! haha. Well, i'm proud to say that you're improvin, tremendously. haha. its really amazing and here we are back as usual,finally no more sacarcism!!!!!! but on the other hand you're gettin closer and closer with him. I hate it, i'm always the ones bring my close friend to another clsoe friend and they before like so close and i get ditched. i hate it. i'm always pulling string for other people, tie it and disappear. i just have been disappointed enough is life. What can turn things around, when is the time. Worrying for you should be on your true friends agenda. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
10:58 pm	Haven't written for a long time. Probably the exams are just round the corner and my life situation has been rather complicated and confusing. Well, Things are slowly working out, my problems are slowly unfolding and solving. But it solves to fast for me to take it. And that would only make me go into conclusions and think of the motives behind. You suddenly left me a month or so ago, and just yesterday you talked to me, online. its really amazing. finally a hey from you. u were so close to me and just when i thought this friendship which became more like a kinship was going to last my life, u juz disappeared that day, ignoring me, leaving me. It was such a shock for me which left me not myself for the days that follow. It was that last day of school, of last term which blew me. While after that i met you two. Its finally payin off. honestly, i dun noe wads payin of but knowing that u finally realize that we re driftin apart really make me think that yes! we can still savalge this relationship. i totally feel that its not because ur family is here or that you've relaly studying alot or ur comp is down. In fact i just think that its because you juz too nice to everybody and now, you've found the more popular people in ur life, thus ditchin us. I know lately i've been such a bastard but yeah, probably i'm. those days i had, those friendship ties that we once when true was enough to make feel piss and so left out in this current moment. was wad you once said "once a friend, always a friend" applicable to me? or izit just a random thought which you had then, juz to put my mind at ease then. You!!!!! we were just friends last year, same class, but this year, a simple caring comment on my journal turned friends into true friends. u're really so nice and i'm quite piss that i actually took so long to understand each other deeply. well i just m sorry for arguin with u last year in the science room, i dun think u remember. But anywayz, u rock. nice guy!!!!!! remember that although some stiffness and orange remarks come out from my mouth which may seem like negative or insults, please don't take it tht way. cuz deep down. u rock and i cherish you as a true friend. honestly, i'm probably too immature for your relationship. i dun noe whether i like u. for me thats just a sign that i dun noe wad is love. i'm too young perhards. immature for relationships. i finally talked to you yesterday. surprisingly, wadeva i said to you while i sat on the chair and you on the floor, made sense. i really cherish you as a friend and me gettin annoyed with ur change was probably abit too much of me but, the main problem does lie with you. but no, i dun blame you, heres the time you've got , make use of it friend. and change. heres ur chance from us. why am i doin so much for the team knowing that appreciation juz doesn't appear in their dictionary. they just simply dun understand. here we are tearing our hair, stretchin our skin working our heart soul and minds out and they juz take it for granted, expecting shit. just stop complaining and attend the bloody gathering. god! Why do people still give a smile to those people who backstab them? If ever I believe my work is done,Then I’ll start back at one (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
9:59 pm	Home is definitely a N.O for finding comfort, love and warmth. But in fact, another drama episode of life. It's frustrating, the stress is starting to build up as exams are coming and my days worth of preparation is at the verge of being scrapped cause of mum brilliant suggestions and complaints. You think i'm selfish? i'm just stress and i'm busy, me selfish? why don't you try to be patient. Just take a long hard look at the mirror and throw your insults there so it wouldn't reach me. I hate it. i feel so lost inside and its like theres no one who i can actually talk to and tell the whole picture inside me to. Even me myself, cant put it in words. Life is so depressing, why must there be life. Everybody is leaving me. Everyone, since young. I, being a person who hates changes, certainly dislike the way friends disappear and that small change. Why must people leave and then what lays after is just a whole lot of miserya dn discovery. 14 years of discovery is just way more than enough of what i can take. Cant everything be just laid out in front of your face for once, just go your way once. I just wanna b alone in this time of trauma and dispair and overloadin stress. Until i can put it into words, i shall share and you can talk it over with me, but until then, just a thought of you care really adds pros to my life chart. Living days of Desperation, Facing days of Disappointment. Crashing days of no hope. The silent patience to find warmth. (3 Comments |Comment on this)